Coach a Little Change Into Your Life!
by Maarten Reilingh, Ph.D.
Have you ever believed that you can do more, be more, and have more in your life? Do you feel trapped, stuck — somehow unable to change your life because of circumstances beyond your control? Are you frustrated because you can't figure out what you'd really like to do? Perhaps you wish you could have the happiness, wealth, sense of purpose, or well-being that other people seem to have. Or perhaps you are one of those people — happy, financially secure, living a life full of purpose, and you're eager to explore where you will take your life next! Life coaching addresses these situations, helping individuals and groups to create their lives as they want them to be.
A life coach supports us in a quest to know or understand our true values and dreams, and to find or develop the abilities to turn those dreams into reality. Life coaching looks to our future, helping us to create a vision and a plan to get beyond wherever we may be — in our emotions, family, relationships, work, spirituality, in any aspect of our lives — to where we want to be. The coaching relationship is a partnership, with both client and coach taking responsibility for its direction and outcome. A coach is not a guru with answers about what we should want or value. Instead, a coach is a guide in a life-journey that we commit to undertaking. I am a life coach. I also use life coaches to help me clarify and achieve my goals.
What Life Coaching Is Not
Life coaching is not therapy or medicine. True, some people who seek coaching may be stuck on particular emotional or health issues, and a coach might be able to help them. But life coaching is not intended for people with truly difficult emotional or psychological problems (or drinking or drug problems, or other serious intractable addictions) — and most life coaches are not trained to deal with these problems. In the coaching relationship, it may become apparent to the coach or the client that some therapy might help the client get free from some psychological sticking place. At such a time, the client might seek therapy in conjunction with life coaching, or the coaching process might be put on hold. Life coaching is for people of sound mind who simply want to progress beyond where they already are in their life.
Life coaching is also not sports or business coaching or consulting. A consultant is usually an expert advisor. Life coaches advise, of course, but the emphasis of life coaching is on helping to find the client's truth, and so it's the client who is the real expert. Sports and business coaches do share techniques with life coaches — visualization and goal-setting are just two examples — but life coaching has a broader focus. In fact, clients may seek out business or sports coaching — or any other forms of support — once they have established, through life coaching, a clear vision of what they want to achieve.
Take Thom, for example. He wanted to expand his plumbing business, but, for some reason that he -couldn't figure out, he just never seemed to be able to get into gear. He came to a life coach for help on his dream of expanding his business. With coaching, Thom was able to figure out that he really expected the expansion to fail and that he used procrastination as a way to protect himself from disappointment. His coach helped him to develop positive expectations of himself and his business, and Thom was finally able to get to work! Thom retrained his staff, revised his procurement procedures and later, he contacted a marketing specialist for help with that aspect of his business.
Life coaches are not your best friends or your parents! Best friends and supportive family members are great, but a life coach is paid to provide a measure of objectivity and detachment that a best friend or family member cannot realistically provide. Life coaches have been trained to be effective helpers. You can fire your life coach if the coaching is unsatisfactory, whereas coaching from a best friend or relative that doesn't work out can wreck a relationship.
The Life Coaching Session
What happens in an individual life coaching session is a one-of-a-kind event determined by the unique practices and perceptions of each coach and the unique needs and character of each client. Some coaches may use guided imagery to help us get a vivid sense of what is wanted or what is standing between us and our goals. Some coaches will encourage us to use art or music or movement to express goals or blocks. Some coaches ask us to fill out standardized personality- and goal-assessment tests. Many coaches ask that we keep a journal and pay attention to our dreams. Coaches often assist clients to create affirmations — positive statements about a particular situation. Coaches will ask pointed questions and issue challenges; if we commit to taking a certain action, the coach will certainly ask us if it has happened!
The focus of each session can vary. Some coaches ask clients to go through a specific sequence that the coach knows will lead to certain results. Many coaches do not use a predetermined sequence at all, preferring instead to begin with the work from a previous session and go to wherever the client leads. In each case, a coach will be responsive to the needs of the individual client. Consider Anita and Karen, two women who felt overwhelmed by looming uncertainty in their lives. Anita, a high school junior, was becoming obsessed that she did not really yet know what she wanted to do with her life. Her parents gave her time with a life coach to help her gain confidence. Karen was Anita's favorite science teacher. Now approaching retirement, Karen was daunted by the prospect of planning for her future. Inspired by Anita's improving attitude and outlook, Karen went to the same life coach! Coaching helped both women accept that change was something to embrace and look forward to. Anita was coached on ways to keep her options open. Karen, on the other hand, used coaching to whittle her options down to those that were most important to her.
Some coaches and clients meet face-to-face in a coach's office or client's home. Increasingly, much coaching gets done over the telephone! Meeting by telephone allows coaching to happen at any time and place that is convenient to both coach and client. A client can squeeze a coaching session into a workday, for example, by calling the coach during a lunch hour. A stay-at-home caregiver can have a coaching session while the baby is asleep. A coach on the East Coast who likes to stay up late can have West Coast clients who want coaching right after work. Surprisingly, telephone coaching is not as impersonal as it might seem. As long as call waiting and the television have been turned off, the phone permits both parties to focus on their words and feelings without the distraction of the other's physical presence. In fact, though all coaches will respect your privacy and keep your work with them confidential, you may prefer the anonymity of working by telephone with someone who doesn't know you or live in your community.
Max, for instance, was the embodiment of baby-boomer malaise — forty-something, divorced, underemployed, cash-strapped, overweight and out of shape, no spiritual practice, with his family dispersed to all parts of the country. He felt ashamed that his life was in such a state, and was desperate to ensure that the next half of his life would yield better results. But he did not want people to know that he was getting help. He chose a life coach who was willing to work by telephone. One of the first things Max learned in coaching was how to transform his negative thinking about past "mistakes" into positive thoughts about "life lessons."
Picking or Changing Coaches
When considering life coaching, it probably pays to look at several coaches. Besides their basic personality and demeanor, you'll find that coaches have different coaching techniques and philosophies. Coaches may also have different levels and kinds of training and experience, which you may find important. But probably the most important initial assessment you will make is simply how comfortable you feel when talking with the coach. (And if instinct tells you your first contact is a great fit, go for it!)
After the initial selection process, staying with your coach or not depends on whether you feel you are making progress. The occasional setback notwithstanding, if you're not satisfied with your progress, you should find a new one or quit coaching. Of course, some coaches may encourage you to make a commitment of one or more months or to a set number of sessions. They are operating from the principle that change takes time and sustained commitment.
Discussing time and financial commitments helps both client and coach know who is really ready to work and who might be better off waiting to start. While you can always break off coaching immediately if you feel the need, find out before you commit about the coach's policy regarding refund of payments for unused sessions or time. Coaching sessions usually run between one-half and one hour. Most coaching programs are on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, but all sorts of arrangements are possible. Fees are charged by the session, by the month, or by the course, and usually work out to an hourly rate for actual coaching time of $50 (new coaches, personal coaching) to $250 or more (experienced coaches, professional or corporate clients).
Sometimes, you can get the same life coaching — although not the individual attention of a life coach — by attending a workshop or course. (You can find workshops by browsing through the offerings listed under "Personal Growth & Healing" in the Omega Institute catalog. Personal development courses can often be found among the continuing education courses at community colleges.) If you don't want to wait for courses or workshops to mesh with your timetable you can gather up one or more of your friends and ask a coach for a workshop or for group coaching when you want it. That is what Marcia did. She noticed that she was increasingly bored with life. Her marriage seemed stale, the children needed her less. She hadn't touched her guitar in years and she realized that several of her friends were in a similar rut. She found a life coach in her local newspaper and organized a class for herself and her friends. The class meets every week in her home. Together in the class, Marcia and her friends decided to undertake a project that grabs their interest. In the meantime, Marcia is watching less television and has started serenading her husband and children (to his delight and their feigned consternation)!
There are many coaches to choose from in the Hudson Valley. You can find them through advertising in this and other regional papers and magazines. You can also find their brochures and cards on community bulletin boards. Ask your friends and associates for recommendations — many coaches rely on word-of-mouth referrals. Many talented coaches can be found on the Internet if you search on "life coaching," but their quality and training will be difficult to assess. Of course, I'd prefer that you try one of your local coaches. We're all here — ready to help you create your life as you want it to be!
Maarten Reilingh, Ph.D. is a Certified Empowerment Life Coach who lives and practices in the Hudson Valley. To comment on this article or to ask him about life coaching, find him online at empowerment.webhop.net or call 1-800-210-8567.
The Origins of Life Coaching
Life coaching is a relatively new profession. Born in the 1980s when many corporations were downsizing, life coaching helped thousands of clients to reorient themselves in economic hard times and to take their lives into new directions. The vast number of retirements, career changes, and midlife crises in the baby boomer population accelerated the demand for life coaches. Now, following the shock of September 11, 2001, new economic hard times, social, cultural, and environmental debates, and a state of war are sending people of all generations in search of a meaningful life and, often, to a life coach.
At the same time, many individuals have come to recognize that life coaching is a most rewarding career. Training is readily available and good coaches are in great demand. And there is great satisfaction in being able to help people reach their highest potential.
